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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Caught in the Act


           This morning I caught myself again in the act of “shoulding” myself.  I “should” do this, I “should” be that.  Why aren’t I doing more than I am?  I’m just not good enough.  And I kicked myself like I often do, bringing back ancient feelings of shame and guilt.  Old patterns die hard, don’t they?  We are so much the product of our past and change sometimes seems so hard. 
            But, I worked on it, yes, “again!”  And I silently prayed to see it all differently, “again!”  And Divine Spirit answered, this time much more quickly than in the past.  You see, I’ve been working on this issue for a long time, and I’ve built a whole new conversation in my mind around my “shoulds.”  I guess it’s getting easier and easier to jump back into my new mode of thinking and being. 
            The important piece that came to me this morning, was that not being where I thought I should be was the exact circumstance I needed in order to keep choosing to love myself.  I figure that if I always was where I expected myself to be, I would get no practice at this incredibly valuable lesson – you know, the one about choosing love and non-judgment for myself and for others.  I figure that if I don’t know how to choose it for myself, how can I help others who might experience similar difficulties.  And if I really want to help free others from the bondage of negative thinking, then don’t I have to learn how to do it myself?
            I had to remind myself that we’re all creative beings, and that as such, we are always expanding, moving on to new experiences, new desires.  In my case, I’ve noticed that ideas keep coming to me - fresh ideas that I want to act on, things I want to accomplish, ways I want to help people, activities I want to encounter, new business ideas, new “reaching out” ideas, more life to live!  So I go, go, go and then become ill, and have to stop in my tracks. 
            Yes, I’ve encountered health challenges along my way, as I’ve mentioned in my book, and the latest of those was a virus that led to a cough that has lingered for a long time.  After getting checked out by my doctor, and finding out that everything was ok, I came to realize that I just needed to slow down a bit and learn from this.  So the cycle began – not being able to do everything I wanted, not being able to accomplish all I had intended to etc. etc.  Then the “I’m not good enough” stuff reeling through my mind.
            But I’m really happy to say this time that I am letting myself be.  I’m getting off my own back.  I am choosing love, no matter what.  I am seeing this differently.  I am good enough just the way I am.  This is my journey, my path, my road. And no matter what anyone else might think, I am learning exactly what I came here to learn.  And I don’t need to feel guilty about that, or ashamed, for I can honestly say that I’ve grown in this life, and that I keep moving closer and closer to goals that I set long ago in childhood.  If I look at my greatest desires, those of attaining inner peace, and extending that peace outward to others, I must say that I’ve made great strides in that direction. 
            I am eternal.  I’m not on a deadline.  Whatever loose ends I leave in this life, I have nothing but time ahead of me to tie them up.  My joy lies in the NOW!  I am happy to be here.  I am honored to be given this chance to learn and to share my learnings.  It is a privilege to have the friends and family that I do, to accomplish tasks, or just to be.  Life is for loving.  That’s what I know today.